Monday, December 02, 2013

Weekly Wishes

The feeling of revitalization and refreshment from last week is gone. I'm pooped. I have work obligations here, church obligations there, and family obligations every where. I've tried to find a way to handle the pressure of the season with grace---except I just can't focus. Every year, around this time, I'm transported back into my teenaged body. I see my mother's tear stained face. Everything moves in slow motion. She says that my father is gone. I feel my heart break into a million pieces. I see black. Every year---for 15 years, it happens. I don't even have to look at the calendar. The pain feels the same but different. The hurt doesn't dull it feels sharper. I can sit in a room full of people yet still feel alone. I can't concentrate, my mind doesn't want me to. I can't shake it and I don't want to. I want to cry---but I won't let myself---I'm too old to still feel this way.

Over the weekend, we attempted to take our winter family pictures. I felt crappy and my hair looked pitiful, my hubby was moody, my little ones had a touch of a nasty cough, and it was miserably cold. We just couldn't get a good shot in the right light, so we gave up and took the kiddos home for hot cocoa and naps. Later that day, as I looked at our photos, I finally broke down. I finally let it all out. I finally let myself cry like I was 12 again. I looked at our imperfect low light family photo and realized that my father would have loved this picture. He would have bragged how my son (and his namesake) looked like him. How my daughter's eye's shined like mine. He would have been secretly pleased (I know that he'd never say it) of the man that I married. Yes, every year will be just as hard as the year before. But I can find solace in how much prouder he is of me today than he was yesterday. And instead of feeling all crappy, I need to thank God for all that I've experienced. Because without the highs and without the lows, I just wouldn't be the person that I am today. My dad's not here beside me, but he's always with me. His love lives in me.

This week, I'm wishing for renewed focus on the things that really matter. Not the perfect picture. Not the ability to be superwoman at all times. Not the best hair. But to be present in the here and now. I deserve it. I also want to do something awesome and loving for my superhero hubby. He's been on his A game for weeks now and he deserves the worlds biggest, most glittery gold star. I think that there is a Call of Duty at Game Stop with his name on it!


What's your wish this week? Big it big or small--speak it into existence! Want more Weekly Wishes? Check out The Nectar Collective.

Besitos!  
KLP

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36 comments:

  1. Hi there. I found your blog through this week's Weekly Wishes link up. Thanks for sharing with us in this hard time - I'm glad you saw the family photo through your father's eyes; he's right, it's beautiful. Good luck with your goal to live in the present this week.

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    1. How sweet are you Annabel! Thanks for stopping by and letting me share a little piece of me with you. Cheers to living in today's imperfect perfections!

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  2. Oh Dear! Your post is so touching, and so honest. I know that this won't make you feel better - but it will go.. Let it go. You only human, and sometimes tears makes you feel better.
    Take a look at this post of mine: http://donttellanyonedesign.blogspot.com/2013/11/weekly-wishes-beat-stress.html I always check it out when the stress comes. These are really great tips, and they might help :)

    While now - I wish you all the best luck, and strength! Afterwards - treat yourself, and your family for a nice, and relaxing time :)
    And especially yourself! You deserve it! :)

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    1. I totally needed to cry but I felt so silly for wanting to. I'm grown with my own kiddos for pete's sake!

      Un mil besitos for your compassion and awesome stress-busting tidbits. You rock mamita!

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  3. Don't you ever make me cry like that again, girl:-) I feel your pain. I grew up with my dad, but he was never there. I did not have that connection with him that girls usually have with their fathers. My mother was living here in the US, trying to create a better life for us back in Haiti. I feel the same pain. Not having your dad around as a teenage girl is hard. I want you to remember that God has his own plans. Plans that we will never understand. I hope the holiday spirit brings you joy. By the way, you have a beautiful family. I have a son and a daughter, too.

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    1. I take comfort knowing that God never makes mistakes and that all things work together for my good. I may dream big but He always knows BETTER. In that alone, I am grateful.

      Woot for the +1girl/+1boy families! Thanks for your kind spirit Nerline!

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  4. Awwww! You had me tearing up.
    Ii am so sorry about your dad - I can't imagine life without mine.
    I know it made you cry, but that picture is also your evidence of how much you have been blessed despite your loss.
    Good luck with your focus this week!
    Britt @ One&20

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    1. Hug your dad. He's gotta be awesome to have raised a sweet chica like you! Confetti for focus; so good so far!

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  5. That weekly wish was simply beautiful. We all need to take the time out and focus on what matters because its so easy to get caught up in Life

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    1. Life is hard enough as it is---then when we get all caught up in the little things---it just gets harder. I'm uber thankful for your support mamita!

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    1. *grateful sigh* Thanks Lydz. I needed that!

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  7. Such a beautiful Post. Cry if you want to and i'm sure you will feel much better. Your dad would have been so proud of you so don't sweat it. Btw the pic is beautiful.

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    1. I felt so much better after I cried. You're right, he's proud---especially in that I can find peace in my imperfections.

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  8. this was a beautiful post.
    i remember reading a quote once that brings me solace in times of mourning:
    "those we hold closest to our hearts never truly leave us.
    they live on in the kindness they have shared and the love they brought into our life."

    <3
    vanessa

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    1. Beautiful quote Vanessa. I totally needed that. My dad's not here beside me, but he's always with me. His love lives in me.

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  9. OMG, you cannot make me cry lol. You have a beautiful family and Im sure your father is left this world proud of you. That picture is wonderful; I cannot wait for that to be me one day.

    Is your daughter wearing CrewCuts rain boots. Dont ask me why thats the first thing I saw though.

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    1. Lo siento chica! I didn't mean to make you cry! Your thoughtful words mean the world to me!

      Don't be in a rush to drink imaginary tea, see every Disney movie at least 12 times, and know all of the characters in Cars. It will all come in due time!

      My daughter wears those rain boots every day! They're so worn that I can't even tell what who they're by. But I vaguely remember getting them from Kohl's.

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  10. Oh I love this. I love your perspective and I love the way you think. I'm sure your parents are beyond proud of you. Good luck on refocusing this week. You can do it!

    Allie

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    1. Thanks for the boost of confidence Allie!

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  11. My heart goes out to you, every now and again a good cry can make you feel so much better! You are never too old to cry girl. Keep being the strong amazing woman you are, and trust that your fatheris proud of you.

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    1. I will never underestimate what a good hard ugly cry can do for the soul. Here's to making my dad prouder and prouder every day!

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  12. You have darling kids, I'm sure they will help you get through. Keep your head up. God's blessings.

    Abbi of http://belowthawaist.blogspot.jp/

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    1. Thanks Abbi! I may have the world's bestest minions---although I'm sure that I'm 105% bias!

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  13. I'm speechless. My heart hurts for you, for me and all the other little girls that cannot call upon mommy or daddy. It's suppose to get easier and it does but there are times throughout the year when it's super crappy and there is nothing anyone can do or say to make it better. My husband can calm all my emotions except this one. I choke back tears for weeks until I hit a breaking point. Crying and having that overdue moment is the only thing that helps. I have my moments every July, this year was no exception. Your post was very touching and is near and dear to my heart. You have a beautiful family. Oh and my nephew is named after our (sis & I) dad. Dad would be so proud! Scratch that, dad is very proud although he likely wouldn't say it. He was a man of few words but we knew what his heart was saying. He was not here in the physical to see us grow up to be women, get married or let alone my sister have a kid. *sigh* He was looking down on us and remains our guiding light. Life sucks sometimes but there are so many other beautiful moments to make up for it. Lotsa Love!
    Divachyk@Relaxed Thairapy

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    1. Girl---You got me about to cry again! I'm so glad that God turned ashes into beauty for the both of us. Your heartfelt words were exactly what my broken spirit needed to hear. Thank you for that.

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  14. My heart goes out to you dear. You do have a lovely family. The picture speaks volumes even if you didn't feel 'it' at the moment. Take heart.

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    1. I may not have felt him at the photoshoot, but I know that he was there---he was there in my heart. Thank you Onyeka!

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  15. Beautiful Post KLP! We are all human, but I think sometimes we forget and expect ourselves to be perfect and unaffected. So it's okay to cry and release some of the things we keep pent up inside, because it can be therapeutic :). Keep your head up during these times and carry your Dad's spirit with you throughout this holiday season. Beautiful family btw, it looks like your children have lots of personality just through this picture!

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    1. Aww Jas thanks! Oh yeah---my little ones are definitely full of personality. Ha-ha!

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  16. What a lovely post, sending love & prayers your way. Keep strong

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  17. I loved this post KLP! I saw the picture and thought oh wow what an adorable family pic! Then I began reading and you jumped right into my heart! I've lost a literal handful of very close family members over the past few years, and your state of mind is all too familiar to me; from the smallest reminders, to certain times of the year/special events, to not wanting to take a family pic because that person will not be in it... I understand. As much as we may fight it, the therapeutic ugly cry is real!

    Your perspective shift is what helps me as well - just being thankful to God for it all. I agree, it all makes us who we are, whether we like it or not, and His plan is much better than ours. There's comfort in knowing these situations are precious to the lord (Psalms 116:15). Thank you for your transparency! It reminded me that I'm not the only one that goes thru this and that all things truly do work together for my good! I hope you are doing well with your wish!

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    1. I struggle with wanting to honor my father's memory---by remembering him---but its hard at times not to remember how much I miss him or the shoulda coulda wouldas. It's good to know see that I'm not alone and thank you for sharing with me chica. We'll get through it together!

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  18. I've been meaning to comment on this post. Very touching and I personally love the family picture! This post was very beautiful.

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