Monday, December 01, 2014

My Struggle

This time of the year---every year---I struggle. I struggle with the holidays. I struggle with being festive. I struggle with smiling. I struggle hard. I always get sick. I always retreat. I always go dark. I always apologize profusely for not knowing how to balance grieving, honoring, mourning, celebrating my Father's life alone. 

My Father wasn't very likable. He was a terrible husband. He was a terrible brother. He was a terrible friend. He kinda sucked at everything that he did; except being my father. He was hands down an amazing father. All of my memories of our time together make my heart smile. Like the day that I realized that we had the same nose. Or how cozy, calm, and content I felt in his arms. I still remember his ridiculously silly versions of fairly tales that you'll never find in a book (trust me, I looked) and how we shared Eskimo kisses before bed. He was an excellent father and I never ever once doubted or questioned his love for me.

As I cleaned out my daughter's backpack, I found this picture:

The caption was so simple yet incredibly complex and genuinely sweet: "I am thankful for family." I realized that there is no reason, no reason whatsoever, that I had to work through this time of the year alone. I gathered my minions around me and for the first time, I showed them snapshots of their grandfather. We laughed and we giggled about the crazy fairly tales that my dad told. I explained why I gave them Eskimo kisses every night before bed. I shared how my son got his name.

I felt amazing. 

My daughter asked me if we could pray for her granddaddy at bedtime and thank him for watching over us. 

So simple yet incredibly complex and genuinely sweet. 

I'm thankful for my family. My dad's not here beside me, but he's always with me. His love lives in me and now his love lives in my kiddos too. 



  1. No matter what else he did, I'm glad he was an amazing father for you and that you have shared your memories with those you love! The holidays can bring out the best and worst memories. I hope you make some perfectly happy new ones this year.

  2. Father and daughter bonds are so important especially at the very tender age. I'm glad he was amazing to you and he is proud of you. So chin up, the holidays will bring loads of wonderful memories.

  3. Beautiful memories mean everything, especially when you can look back on them and be happy. Your post made me think of the special bond that I have with my dad, my mom, and my family. You and your family have a blessed holiday!!!

  4. It's wonderful that you had such an amazing relationship with your father. Like Yalanda said, holidays can bring out all types of memories. It's nice that you shared them with your children. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

  5. Sharing your memories and love of your father with your children will keep his memory and love for you a live, and will live on through the shared experience. Hang in there.

  6. Wow this was beautiful and I love your daughter's picture as well as that caption. Kids bring so much joy. God bless you and your lovely fam this holiday season. Thanks for sharing :-)

  7. So beautiful, KLP. Thank you for sharing this with us. The holidays are a tough time when it comes to grief and loss, so I pray for your strength. Through those pictures and stories, your father will continue to live on through you and your children.


  8. This is a powerful post KLP, you indeed don't have to deal with it alone. Your father is looking down on you now. Happy you had such an amazing time sharing your Father's love for you with your kids! Stay blessed! X

  9. The important thing is that you guys had some great times together. Memories last forever. Stay strong, dear!

  10. This is so wonderful KLP! Just hold on to those lovely memories you have of your father dear, and continue to be the strong beautiful woman you are


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